Why I choose to live out my worst nightmare, almost everyday.

As most of you know, I am a nurse. I've been a nurse for going on 6 years now. I do not know everything about the medical field, and do not pretend to know! I don't think God sent me to be a nurse to educate, and fill other curious minds with tons of medical terminology and knowledge. I faithfully believe He saw my heart and knew exactly where I belonged. I have held geriatric hands while they took their last breaths. Fed patients their last meals. Even cried when I saw a critical patient defy all odds and walk out with his family and return home. 

But nothing can compare to the roller coaster of emotions that I feel where God sent me next. I didn't quite understand why and how I ended up in surgery after 4 years of bedside medsurge nursing. Those of you fellow medical professionals know the extreme difference between the two. I cried everyday on the way home to my mother asking her and God "what have I done?". Now here I am a little over a year later and it is all too clear to me now. God has placed me in a position to reach people. And I mean REALLY reach people. My patients are not just numbers. Or cases. They are my sisters. The area of surgery I have been chosen to do is women's health. This is where my nightmare comes to play. Single most difficult time of my life was miscarrying our second child. Women come through almost everyday that are experiencing something similar to what I have. And God has place empathy in my heart. I FEEL what my sisters feel. 

I've prayed for years for God to show me what to say. That's always one thing I have lacked in all previous situations. I've been a nurse of no words when bad news is given. Until this job. I have learned there isn't always something to be said with words, but with your actions. I pray everyday to let me be the hands and feet of Jesus. And I can feel Him working. I am dragged through the emotional trenches with these sisters that are suffering the loss of their children, and I pray for them. I am drained of tears with and for them. I come home exhausted to my healthy family, and I suffer from survivors guilt. I wonder, why can I have a healthy pregnancy and children after my miscarriage but yet so many women suffer miscarriages over and over? 

I wake up the next morning, and I do it again. 

Just when I feel like the darkness of guilt and shame are about to take over, the other facet of women's health takes place to reach in and pull me into the brightest life. A cesarean section. I cry with those mamas too. I'm over there in the corner. Hiding behind my computer screen wiping away the tears. God gets all the credit for those miracles first cries. I am but a tiny piece in the deliveries puzzle, and it is such a reward in life to witness so many miracles. I thought medsurge nursing was full of ups and downs. I really had no idea. 


"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born" Isaiah 66:9

Change, change, change

As described in the name of my blog, life most certainly has change! The Halls are now a family of 4! I feel compelled to explain my largest "change" since my last post. Tomorrow will be October 24. October 24, 2013 would had been the due date of a Hall baby that never had to endure the heartaches of this world.

February 2013 Jonathan and I had a positive unplanned pregnancy test! I still remember staring at the clear blue in such disbelief. I mean, could I really be in the 0.099%? As a matter of fact, I was. After serial drawings for 2 weeks, and constant praying, we expierenced the 'dip' in HCG levels that I had been fearing for 14 days. I had fallen apart, and my body had failed me. 

However, there is a very bright silver lining. In the midst of the darkness and pain I felt Jesus closer than I ever had. He heard my cries, and he felt my pain. Long story short, I am closer to God than I have ever been. I hate that it took such a traumatic experience for me to cling to him like never before. If I don't succeed at much in this life, my main hope is to show the world the love that Jesus has shown me. 

What darkness are you wandering through? There is no darkness that can smother the light that I have been shown. 


I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40 1-3


God truly has bless Jonathan and me. Aria and Nixon are the best rewards for such undeserving souls. 

We are so looking forward to the holiday season with the kids. Surgery RN job is much more family oriented than the 12 hour shifts I was used to. There is call involved, but I still get plenty of family time. We have relocated from Saltillo to hopefully our forever home in Guntown.  We have some of the absolute BEST neighbors and I am so content with our decision to pick the house we did! We still attend the Orchard Northside in Baldwyn. I look forward to keeping a running blog and the world updated on what is going on under this crazy roof!

With Love,
 
Kristi  

Baby Aria has arrived!

Obviously the day I wrote my first post, labor was impending! 4 hours later my water broke. I was not sure that that was exactly what was happening, until it did not stop. We waited til about 8:30 pm before we went ahead to the hospital. I was so nervous that they were going to tell us it was yet another false alarm. Thank goodness it wasn't!! Merely 18 hours after arriving at the hospital, Aria Marie Hall arrived into the world.

She is by far the love of my life, I wonder how we ever made it without her!! It is tons of work but the reward at the end of the day is by far worth it. Now its breast feeding, diaper changes and lots of burping. My life has definetly changed from this time last year. But who says change is bad? I'm just happy that life has the ability to change. And also that God has blessed me by far with the greatest blessing life can offer... A new life.

First Post!!

So I am pretty sure I have not blogged since Xanga, for those of you who remember Xanga :P.

Today I could physically feel better, but for 38 weeks 3 days pregnant, I'm just happy to be able to walk. However mentally I am feeling much better. I thought it would take intense meditation to get myself ready for this baby. But what I did not realize is that I have been getting ready for the past 9 months, mentally that is. God has been preparing me, I just know it. I'm tired of being scared of this whole labor and delivery thing. I'm going to lay my armor down and just give in to the fact that it's coming no matter how hard I fight for it to wait.

Sometimes I wish my job was as easy as Jonathans, show up, encourage every hour or so then be handed a sweet baby girl. But then again, if (think when!!) everything goes perfectly and smoothly I will be happy to be the one giving birth and being handed the baby girl to hold against my chest as she opens her eyes for the first time!! Thinking of those moments makes me not so scared.

Ready or not, my life will completely change (even more than it has) in approximately 12 days... Bring it on.